I thought I’d have it figured out by now.
I mean, really.
In my teens and early 20s, I thought adults really knew what life was all about and what they were doing, and when I was an adult, I’d know, too.
Even in my 30s, when I realized and acknowledged my confirmed adulthood, I thought that by middle age (ugh, that phrase), I really would have things figured out. I’d be solid in my career, relationship and life. I’d have found that elusive inner peace, wouldn’t worry about petty vanities like cellulite or gray hair and would be a paragon of wisdom who floated through life bestowing knowledge.
Instead, I feel lost. Though I hardly allow myself to admit it and dread that I just did.
I am still trying to create myself, even now at 47.
Twenty-three or 32-year-old me would be like, “How totally sad.”
I don’t actually feel sad about it. I feel a little lost, having given up my full-time job to find more fulfilling work, which is a LOT harder to do than I expected. I wonder if it’s too late for me. Did I miss the boat that all the successful, well-adjusted people boarded decades ago? Is there another one leaving soon that has room for a middle-aged stowaway?
I fear that I won’t find work I love. Or, more accurately, that I won’t DO work I love. I procrastinate and overthink instead of writing, which is what I say I want to do. I fear this is forever and that I messed everything up.
Part of me really feels that way and believes it. I call her “little me.”
There is another part of me, though, that I call “Big Me.” Big Me knows better. Big Me has always known more and been connected to infinite wisdom. Big Me says this is just a phase, little one, this lost-ness you feel. That a decade from now, or maybe sooner, you’ll feel like you DO have things figured out. And then a few years (or months) later, you won’t again. And on and on.
Big Me knows time is passing and this is part of my life, this episode of lost-ness, self-discovery and self-development.
But little me is the one who seems to be running the show. She’s the one who procrastinates and overthinks. She’s able to accomplish some things — we go to the gym, we’re up to 10 minutes on our daily morning meditation — but she’s terrified all the time. Little me startles easily. Little me is looking for distraction and ready to give up.
I wish I had some grand insights and lessons about how to integrate Big Me and little me, but that would mean I became the paragon of wisdom that I never did. This is something I’m still trying to figure out. And I really thought I’d have figured it out by now.