I’ve been beating myself up for about 36 hours now over a typo.
A very good friend gave me a professional opportunity with one of her clients, and I made a typo in my proposal OF THE BUSINESS OWNER’S NAME. I sent another email immediately to correct it, but the damage was done. Maybe a typo wouldn’t be that big a deal normally, but this was a copywriting proposal, so, yeah.
The worst part of it is my fear/knowledge that I probably embarrassed my friend and certainly did not live up to her expectations, nor mine.
In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a deadly error. I mean, it’s a typo. But I can’t stop beating myself up about it.
Was I not focused on the task at hand? How did I not completely proofread a professional piece of writing? Or did I see the error and somehow have a delayed response that caused me to press “send” and then immediately realize what I’d done? Was I drinking or something at the time?
I used to hate on myself so hard all the time. I could beat myself up for anything at all. My standards for myself were impossibly high, so I could naturally never measure up. That led to heaps of horrible self-name-calling and shame. I thought I was the absolute worst. I remember one time in my 20s, I was sitting in my therapist’s office, and he said, “You’re a good person, Sandy,” and it actually hurt to hear. I couldn’t listen to him say that. I was crying and full of shame. I was slumped over in the chair with my head down. I felt like I didn’t deserve his kindness.
With lots and lots of practice, I have learned to love myself more, yet a typo can still undo me. It reminds me that I’m no good as a writer, which extends to being no good as a person. Neither is true, and part of me knows that. A big part. But the remaining little part still has doubts.
That’s where I’m with this typo and with myself for longer than I think is necessary. It’s time to forgive. If this happened to a friend, or to a child, I would tell her, “Everyone makes mistakes. You’ll pay closer attention next time. Your friend will still love you, even if she was briefly embarrassed with her client. Maybe they had a good laugh over it. It’s just a typo. It has nothing to do with your value as a writer, and for God sake your value as a person.”
And if I was the friend or the child, I would not believe this, but I would very much hope it was true.